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Sunday, November 12th, 2006
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I haven't updated in a long time, I've become a myspace whore, god help me.
Lots of things are new.
Jeremy and I are getting married in June.
I have the most beautiful ring in the entire world.
I'm happy.
Its been a painful couple of months, but I am happy.
Maybe I'll update again in more detail in another couple of months lol
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Friday, August 18th, 2006
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ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!! I'M 21 BITCHES!
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Thursday, August 17th, 2006
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TOMORROW IS MY BIRTHDAY!!!
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So our house of animals has grown for the next couple of days, Jeremy's dog Princess is staying with us so that she and daisy can play. I've missed having two dogs so much, plus his dog is such a sweetheart I really don't want to give her back :)
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I need my vacation so bad.
I have two shifts left. A double on Saturday and then I'm done, I'm on vacation untill next friday. That's six days without anyone asking me for strawberry lemonade, chips and salsa, or a stupid mother fucking build your own big mouth burger. :) I love my job *I keep repeating that in my head* I just need a break. And six days with Jeremy's family should be good lol :)
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I had an interesting day yesterday. I spent the morning with my mom, she needed to borrow the truck to get a bed for Nat, but since she still can't lift anything she needed somoene to go with her. We got to talking and the subject of her new realtionship came up. I just recently found out about it, its been like a month since she told me. And there is only a small number of people who know b/c of who it is. things would get sticky at work, and he's going through a divorce ( its funny to think of my mom as the other woman lol) And I guess things have been going on since November (ironic since that's when Jeremy and I started and I didn't tell her for a while either, which I pointed out that she had no room to be mad about since she hid hers for a lot longer) And I asked her almost jokingly where her thing was going, I think my exact words were, Are we talking love of your life sort of thing? and she didn't even hesitate. She said yes. that after 23 years of marriage to my dad it was very easy for her to recognize that she's found the love of her life with this man. And it completely floored me. She's known him for 10 years in a work environment but after 8 months of being together, she knows. And it got me thinking about the term love of my life. Its something that I'm guilty of tossing around, and I've heard other do it too. And really I have trouble grasping it fully. That there is one person out there that is the greatest love you will ever have. I love Jeremy, I have no doubt about that. But if you were to ask me is he the love of my life? I couldn't answer that. I love my friends but the love of my life? I don't know, from the minute she said it I've suddenly had trouble grasping the concept. She says he calls her his soul partner, which is so disgustingly cute I want to scream. My mother the second most cynical woman I know (second only to me ofcorse) has a soul partner. And the child inside me is so mad at her. And yet the adult says she deserves to be happy. I of all people know you can't help who you love, or who you want to be with. Its not something you chose it just happens. She loves a man that isn't my father, the love of her life.. isn't my father. its a hard concept for me. its almost been a year since the divorce, if I hasn't seen them together or didn't see how happy she was I'd say its too soon. But she spent the majority of 23 years unhappy, she deserves this. And it just got me thinking. thinking about the loves of my life, because I do think I've had them. I've had friendships to amazing and I've been so connected with people that I would consider them the friendships of my life. The first would easily be Elliott, there has never been a more dependable person alive. And I know that there is nothing I could ever do, nothing that I could ever fuck up so much that he would ever, not be there for me. The second would be nicki, There has never been a person, who all I've had to do it look at, and she knows exactly what I'm thinking. We have such a connection that I can tell her anything, I've trusted her with everything (granted I do get drunk and tell her things that I was trying to keep from her) and I love her and I would do anything and be anywhere for her. The last one is harder. Because the last one I've lost, through my own and her own actions. .. But I'm a big person and I would put Katie on this list. No matter how I feel about her now, and how hurt I've been by her in the past. When we were friends, her friendship was one of the most important of my life. I've never been able to completely open up to anyone the way I was able to her, and its something that I do miss. There are days that I hate her, but most days I just miss her, no matter what's happened and what I know she's said about me and what I've said about her, I mostly just miss her. I've never appologized for anything because I'm a bitch and I see appologizing as admitting guilt, and I don't regret anything because there is no point, because you can't change it. But on my short list of things that I do admit to regretting, the way our friendship ended is very close to the top. And on my naiive days I wish there was a way to fix it, even though I know there isn't. So I've been lucky enough to, so far in my life have three great friendships. And I'm lucky enough to still have two of them, which is pretty damn good.
Anyway, that wasn't suppossed to be the point of this entry, it was supposed to be.. "I'm happy for my mom, yet still a little freaked by it" which I am. Just the thought of at 46, my mother finally finding the love of her life got me thinking. So this is really just one big long ramble. :) But I'm happy. Things are ok, almost good. And I'm happy.. happy for everyone, yes everyone.. even you..
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I had a very "damn I'm lucky" moment yesterday. Beth and I went to visit mac grill, we sat and ate and I started talking to Tina (my favorite person there who I miss so much) about the recent problems with my relationship. And before I knew it I was crying and gushing all the feelings that I didn't know I had to her. And she hugged me and she looked at me and told me that I deserved better. This from a person I haven't seen in almost a month. THis person who I knew in a work environment, cared enough about me to hug me and yell at me and tell me to stop putting up with bullshit. To care more about myself than someone else. I am so fucking lucky to have these amazing people in my life who would do anything for me. At the drop of a hat if I need someone, if I need to talk if I need anything I have so many people that I can depend on to listen and be there and do anything. When Jeremy and I broke up the first time, all I had to do was call Elliott in Detroit, and he was here. and he went with my on my crazy trip to St. Louis, to try and figure out what the hell I wanted. and if I even wanted Jeremy back. he was there this time too. he came and got me from my mom's and listened to me for two hours at Steak and Shake going on and on about how I didn't want to do this anymore. And my Nicki, the best friend anyone could ask for. Yelling at me telling to me stop living by the imaginary rules in my head, to stop trying to make him happy by not being someone else. All these people gave me the courage to do what I did. To be strong to leave. And it was hard, it is hard. I'm back home now. We're back together. things are better. He wants to change, something I never thought I'd hear from him. He wants to make me happy. And I know I couldn't have done it without all these people in my life. That showed me just how strong I am, that I could leave him for 3 days and be ok. That I don't need him. I'm glad everything happened the way it did. that it wasn't an empty threat that I did leave, I think we are going to be a lot stronger, and a lot happier now. It was just so nice that through all the shit of the past week, I've never felt so loved. That I had all the people that I love and care about there for me and supporting me. And it just reminded me how lucky I am to have them.
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Wednesday, June 14th, 2006
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its been a very long couple of days. I've worked every shift (except for poker night last night) for the past three days, and I will work every shift untill sunday. My mom is doing better finally. Things on my dad's side of the family have been bad. My grandma is in indy for the first time in 10 years. My uncle had surgery to fix his nose, which I guess he broke doing something.. my dad's cousin the one that I almost lived with in Evansville is in town to have kidney surgery. and I found out yesterday that my dad's uncle (my favorite one that lived in florida) died. I was planning on going to the funeral, since I had three days off next week. But then his wife decided not to have one. Other than that things have been very blah. Daisy is huge, she's four times as big as when we brought her home, and has spent the past two weeks looking for Auggie. She carries around his bed (which I haven't been able to throw away) and looks at me. its very sad, and I miss him a lot. Beth comes home from France today thank god! I was going crazy without her lol Elliott and I are going to pick her up from the airport in a couple of hours. THe new job is going great, I miss Beth and Tina from Mac Grill but I love my new job I love all the people and the money is fantastic. (except for tonight when I was a double who came back on a 3:30 and got cut at 5) lol
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I got a hair cut!!! and an Aunt Malka one at that.. (they are the best) she chopped it off to where it belongs, just below my chin gave me some layers and just a little bit of bangs, and thined it out (thank god! my hair so so fucking thick!!) I love it! pics to come :)
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It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. When my grandma died it wasn't my choice. It was hard to watch her die, but I wasn't the one that decided when she would go. I had to make the choice today.
I don't know if I've felt this type of loss before. I've lost boyfriends, and friendships.. but it has never been this final. and it has never hurt this much. I was six years old, in the first grade when I got Auggie. He was almost 16 years old. He was alive for the majority of my life. I don't know what to do without him. Its such a different feeling than any other type of loss I've felt.
I'm glad that I wasn't selfish, I've seen what happens when you can't let go, I've seen dogs suffer, I know that he didn't suffer. I know that I made the right choice. I guess I just didn't expect it to hurt so much. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love my dogs, they are family to me. And I'm so lucky to have such great people in my life. From my mom who was in the room with me, to Elliott who was there to drive me home and bury him, to Jeremy who made sure I was doing ok all day, Beth calling me to check up on me, to Nicki who called me to talk about everything but what I was going through. I am so lucky to have people that care about me.
I took a great picture of Auggie and Daisy right before I took him. She misses him already, she's been wandering around the appartment looking for him.
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I have to put Auggie down today.
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Nothing beats drunk Gilmore girls with Nicki.. god I love that she's home..
(Elliott got kissed by a girl!!!)
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Saturday we had a welcome home party for elliott :)
( Read more... )
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This is the sexiest thing I've ever seen.. not just the boy, but the boy wearing the shirt.. that's right, that's my boyfriend in a redsox shirt.. what a great thing to come home to :)
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Wednesday, April 26th, 2006
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I love my puppy. I can't get enough of her..
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Tuesday, April 25th, 2006
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Its been a while since I updated with anything other than daisy pictures lol.. I love my house, we have another roommate moving in next week. As if living with two boys wasn't enough now we're adding a third. yay for me. :) Our house of animals is doing better, the cat and daisy are finally getting along better, but that may just be because romy got the cat declawed and now she can't beat the crap out of daisy anymore, so she's not scared of the cat now. Work is going better, they hired two more host that can cover my host/togo shifts so I can finally get trained to serve. But right now they are still getting me my 40 hours so I'm not in that big of a hurry. Elliott/Nicki should be home in the next two weeks (YAY) I haven't seen elliott since spring break, and even though we talk every day its been really hard having him gone. Its been weird having Jeremy home all the time, nice but definetly strange, Hopefully he'll go back sometime this week. Things with my mom are slowly getting better, she was almost nice yesterday when we stopped by. But we had the dog, so I'm sure that helped :)
You knew it was coming.. I have exactly 114 days till my birthday :)
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Tuesday, April 11th, 2006
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Daisy has doubled in size since we got her, and constantly terrorising Auggie, the house training thing has a been a proceses since our appartment complex doens't want us to leave dogs outside when we aren't at home. But I got tired of coming home to messes all over my kitchen, so now they stay outside. The cat situation has gotten better, she has finally gotten used to the dogs and doesn't beat the shit out of them ever time they go near her. Which has made things alot better. The appartment is good, my only complaint in the bratty neighbor kids that keep throwing their toys over our fence, but that's a lot better than cars getting broken into so I think I'll live.. lol..
She loves taking naps on the bed :)
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I'm drunk....
I say that all the time,, I'm drunk almost every night of the week. You 'd think that would bother me, when people tell me I have a problem.. elliott on the phone tonight.. "maybe you should stop drinking for a night..." my response.. " I didin't drink last night, I had to make up for it".. his response,, "exactly"
I may have a problem...
but I really don't care..
... which acutally may be the real problem....
... oh well....
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Her name is Daisy, and I'm in love with her...
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disenchanted818's journal
